They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
