I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
