so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
