i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
