she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
