is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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