So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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