Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
