saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
where are my eyebrows?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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