Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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