i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
