"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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