could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We need to get me chipped asap
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
