Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
