I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize