She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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