4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
