I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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