My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
