it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
