i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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