...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
birth control should be required to get into college
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
