you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My ATM looks so different sober.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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