She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
