just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
