I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
