Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
