Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This house was built for laser tag.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She told me I should be a condom model.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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