then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
