i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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