FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
