I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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