I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
