that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
