How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
