Nicole vs. Life
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
