My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
