Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
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How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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