If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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