woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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