i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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