I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I party with great urgency now.
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