I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
