I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
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All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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