So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
