I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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