Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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