Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
