girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize