i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
worst night to have a conscience
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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