A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
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