I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
