Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
