half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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