My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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